I hate facial hair on guys. Hitler moustaches however, can be sexy, depending on the context*.
I’m one of those gals who prefers to kiss a man with two easily located lips. I don’t like having to send my tongue on a lip search party through some dude’s thick lip fro.
I can sum up my feelings about facial hair in a haiku:
eww eww eww eww eww
There is a hair in my mouth
eww eww eww eww eww
I tolerate Novembers, when lip brooms sweep in heaps of cash for a good cause (ball cancer and other men’s health stuff). For one brief month, when I see intelligent, attractive men consciously avoid grooming themselves, I suppress my gag reflex. You’re welcome.
It’s a very difficult time for me. The entire month feels like Clockwork Orange where they strap me down, pry my eyes open and force me to watch that scene from Teen Wolf where Michael J. Fox transforms into Cousin It.
Maybe some of you ladies prefer lip hair on your man. That’s totally fine. After all, you’re the one that has to put your mouth on that disgusting atrocity. Your choice.
But look, I know about free will. Men will do what they want with their chin fuzz. I have to learn to live with that.
What I don’t have to learn to live with is the sheer boredom I feel when I see hairy-faced men with either a moustache (Tom Selleck), goatee (Hootie from Hootie and Blowfish) or a beard (gold prospector). Boring. Yawn. Shoot me now.
This week I want to bring back the golden era (hair-a?) of facial hair, when men weren’t afraid to get creative with their face follicles. They were bold and daring and different. Their heroic mos made a statement, even if that statement was “Look at me, I’m eww gross”. This week I want to bring back creative moustachery.
The Magic Moustache
In the 1800s, magic was in its infancy. One of the earliest known tricks was to make your mouth disappear. People were astonished at the incredible feat, and many Christian groups, afraid the trick was the work of the devil, tried to exorcise these men. The trick was eventually banned by governments around the world, and length restrictions on men’s moustaches were strongly enforced. This led magicians to invent that trick where they make their thumbs disappear by using the other thumb in its place.
The Neck Fro
This man was a true pioneer. Never before had the world seen a man with the audacity to focus his hair growth not on his head, lip, cheeks or chin, but on his neck. What the world didn’t know was that he was hiding the rare and debilitating ‘Skinny, tiny neck disease’. Without the structural support of a neck fro, his neck alone did not have the strength to hold his head up. The neck fro dramatically improved this man’s quality of life and inspired many generations of hairy-necked men.
The Double Beard and Moustache Combo Platter
Always after a bargain, this man found a way to get a 2-for-1 deal on his beard. While all the other men in his neighbourhood had a single, chin-originating beard, he used his ingenuity to invent the double beard. This proved particularly useful in those pensive moments when multiple thoughts would pop into his head at once, and he was finally able to stroke two beards simultaneously.
The Chin Cloud
In the early days of bearding, some men were so adventurous and experimental that they shifted the entire beard paradigm. This gentleman discovered that wispy, blond facial hair, when grown in the right conditions, resembled a hair cloud. I personally love this approach. It means the guy can have a beard, but I can barely see it.
This man changed the face of faces forever. A simple, elegant and courageous decision to add space between the moustache and remove space between the brows. I just. I dunno. It’s perfect.