Victoria’s Secret dominates the lingerie market. They’re a multi-cajillion dollar business that, as far as I can tell, targets its ads primarily at the eyeballs and regular balls of pubescent and post-pubescent men.
But as a woman with a regular woman body, I find the entire Victoria’s Secret image tired and completely uninspired. Just look at the models pictured below.
A photo like this does nothing to convince me of the variety of style and size available at Victoria’s Secret. All it tells me is that if I’m a size 0 with absolutely no interest in creativity, colour or stylistic expression, I will like what I find at Victoria’s Secret. Which brings me back to my earlier comment about how the marketing isn’t really aimed at me or my regular woman body. I’m sure the company will claim the marketing is aimed at what a regular woman *wishes* her body looked like. Eff that and eff you Victoria’s Secret.
What I want is a lingerie company that offers practical and creative lingerie modelled by regular bodied women who don’t live in a delusional and emaciated fantasy-land full of women who appeal to men who are married to women who prefer men to do their lingerie shopping.
What I really want is to bring back Daphne Lingerie. I do not proclaim to be an expert lingerie historian (and if you do, you’re kind of a pervert), but my extensive amateur research tells us that Daphne Lingerie was a lingerie company that appealed to the every woman.
The Phone Robe
Everytime my phone rings, I panic! What will I wear!?!?
This beautiful and sensible dressing gown is perfect. It has a wrap-around waist-tie that can be adjusted to accommodate a pregnant belly or just a post-dinner food baby. It extends all the way to the floor to keep your feet warm or hide the legs you meant to shave months ago but didn’t get around to because of all the phone calls. Once the Phone Robe has reached its maximum wearing potential, you can re-purpose it as a curtain in your lounge room.
The Prowler Gown
What’s that noise?! Is there an intruder in my house?! What will I wear to investigate this possibility?!
Hats off to Daphne for this gorgeous and simple Prowler Gown. You need not worry if there is indeed a prowler in the house. He’ll be instantly disarmed by your sensible fashion choice. The bow on the front doubles as a noose for self-defence.
The Rejection Blouse
Don’t you hate when a man you don’t even like proposes to you while you’re wearing some ugly lingerie from Victoria’s Secret? Me too!
Here we have the sexy (but not too sexy) button-down Rejection Blouse that will keep him interested enough, just in case no one better comes along, but not so interested that he thinks you actually liked him.
The WTF slip
After a hard day’s work, some women enjoy lounging on their sofas with arms positioned in an artistic and angular way. I’m not one of those women. But if you are, this WTF slip provides comfort in those quiet moments.
The Rope Shirt
The Rope Shirt is versatile and incredibly fashionable, whether you are backstage at a theatre working some kind of lighting rig or stranded in a dinghy on the high seas and require rescue by a larger, more capable ship. Basically if you ever have cause to handle rope, buy this shirt.
The Dog Training Gown
Dog’s love discipline. And nothing says “Sit! Stay!” better than the Dog Training Gown. Designed by the world’s top dog training fashion designers, these gowns provide the perfect sexy solution to the eternal question: What will I wear to train my dog?
Note: These gowns should not be worn around real dogs. They will pee on it.
The Monkey Puppet Blouse
Nothing says sexy bedroom adventure like a pole-dancing monkey puppet. Nina Conti owns three!
The China Top
I don’t know about you, but when I eat Chinese food, I dress like a Chinese person and hang paper lanterns in my kitchen. It creates a more authentic atmosphere for me to eat my ramen noodles. With a China Top, you too can dress like a Chinese person while you pretend to use chopsticks.