Georgeous baby your highness

by Nick Fone

Kate_Middleton_holding_Prince_George_oil_paintingWe are in the midst of a highly publicised visit from the Duke, Duchess and George of Cambridge, and despite the growing number of people joining the camp of “who-gives-a-royal-fuck”, the handsome duke and his gorgeous family are leaving in their wake a herd of screaming fans trying to catch a glimpse of them. Including of course John Key and David Cunliffe, who have been scrambling to get as much ‘face-time’ as possible with the future coin mould. It’s a good thing too, as I know I’m not alone when I say I base my vote almost entirely on aristocratic handshakes.

Yes yes, it is all very exciting, but I just can’t shake the feeling that this is just a big circlejerk, touring the commonwealth with their baby as if to say “look at how fertile we are, you filthy peasants”.

We get it, congratulations on the successful copulation Mr and Mrs your highness, not for one second did I doubt the efficiency of your regal cock and balls, Will. But really, did you have to drag your baby half way across the world to prove your dick works? We believed you.

In saying all that, are we really that different from the royal couple we so very much love to judge? No, we just have much more limited touring options because no-one beyond our friends and family give two shits about our lives.

Oh well! Despite the lack of public interest, pretty much everyone who has a baby has their own little royal baby tour, it just tends to stay more local due to the no-one caring thing. Maybe a drive up the coast to visit friends you haven’t seen in three years, or strap the little bastard to a pram and parade proudly through the suburbs. And of course you can’t have a baby without the token office visit where you come in nice and early to give your co-workers enough time to comment on how cute your baby is.

“Something something something awwwww she has your eyes!”

or perhaps

“Banter banter banter cute baby, are you sure it’s yours?”

 <pause for laughter>

This is fine of course, babies are great. I love babies. Without babies the human race would die off in under 150 years – babies are our saviours.

But why are we so interested in one baby in particular: Prince George? Well that’s easy right, because he is not only a royal family member, but a future king, ooh exciting! But what is the point of the royal family in the 21st century? What on earth do they do?

Sure they have a few big important tasks but that is just fluff, nothing more than ceremonial bullshit. The whole thing is just bizarre; on paper the Queen is the head of the entire armed forces, but everyone knows that doesn’t really mean a thing. We all just pat her on the head and tell her what a nice hat she’s wearing.

I know a lot of people in this country (and abroad) tend to think the Royals are nothing more than a tourist attraction, and despite my rather rude regard for them up until this point, I actually disagree.

They are a fundamental piece of the system that allows UK citizens to separate the adoration of their country from the adoration of their government. Excellent. The less we idolise politicians the better off everyone is.

Politicians work for the people. The head of state and the head of government are two completely different roles that should never be filled by the same person.

The UK got this right. The US fucked this up.

Fact: It is possible to love your country and hate your government simultaneously.

So Queenie, Charlie, Willy and now Georgie Pie, are simply personifications of the UK as a country without any messy political implications for its citizens. They can adore the shit out of a young couple with a cute baby without having to subscribe to a list of shady policies and slippery agendas, they can wave their flag at the royal motorcade as it drives out of the palace without fear of reprise. They can love their head of state without once mentioning a political party.


The governments of any democratic country are nothing more than a bunch of charismatic project managers who are all fighting over the four year contract to run the country. And if they don’t fuck the job up too much, then perhaps their clients will roll the contract over for another four years. This is how it should be; just shiny leather shoes who the people empower to make decisions on their behalf.

This is so easily forgotten, and so goddamn important.

Long live the King.


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