Dear Slightly Slutty Barren Spinster
I am a gentleman who likes to maintain a high standard of personal appearance and hygiene. However, as a result of many years of oversight (both literal and metaphorical), my groin looks rather like how I would expect Chewbacca’s privates to look. And so I ask myself what to do. To trim? To shave? Trim above, shave the sack? Clearly the ultimate goal is to appeal to (and not horrify) a woman when the situation reveals itself. Please advise what this potential audience might think about this topic. Clippers and Gilette Pro-Glide are at the ready, awaiting your guidance.
Dear Bushy Bob,
Thank you for your letter. I have my own personal preferences when it comes to male body hair, but I didn’t want to bias my answer. I therefore undertook some research for you, aka asking a bunch of blokes at a bar. If they’re reading this column, I would like to thank them for the conversation, particularly those who had never met me before, yet gamely discussed their views on genital hair with a total stranger.
It turned out to be a divisive issue. Here were the two points on which we managed to reach a consensus:
- The word manscaping should be banned
- Lady garden, on the other hand, is a quaintly hilarious euphemism for female pubic hair.
So I’m just going to subject you to my own views. Male pubic hair needs to form an aesthetically pleasing symmetry with the rest of a man’s body hair. An hirsute man can rock more bush because it doesn’t look out of place. Imagine if Sean Connery or Burt Reynolds trimmed around their cocks but left the best of their (swoon-inducingly beautiful) chest and stomach hair untouched. This is particularly the case if you’re also sporting one of those Craft Beer Lover beards that seem to be so popular at the moment. The more prominent of those beards do in fact remind me of a sprouting of wiry pubic hair from the chin.
On the other hand, a man with no chest hair, or a sparse smattering of chest hair can trim his man patch (what the fuck are the euphemisms for male pubic hair?) more vigorously. If you’d like to give the illusion of an extra inch or so, a trim will help you out. I am in two minds about sack shaving, however. Scrotal stubble does not feel pleasant when rubbed against a freshly waxed pussy. I personally think that pubic hair sculpting should involve trimming or wax rather than shaving to avoid precisely that scratchiness. However, if I were an hirsute gentleman, I would balk at the prospect of a back, sack and crack wax. Vaginas are built to handle pain. Testicles are not.
Do not, under any circumstances, remove all of your pubic hair, even if you’re totally bald with not an errant nipple hair. One of the most disturbing things I have ever seen, on a clothing optional beach, was a gigantic cock surrounded by baby bald skin. It was just wrong. Although the chick he was with looked happy, so maybe she liked to pretend he was a well hung infant.
I find pubic hair fashions fascinating. We now live in an age where a Brazilian wax, or at least a tightly trimmed Map of Tassie is considered de rigeur for women on the market. When at the gym, I once read Dolly magazine’s advice to teen girlies who were preparing to lose their virginity and it included getting a preparatory Brazilian. It came as a bit of shock to me that we’re apparently telling 16 year olds to go and get all of the hair ripped out of their vaginas before they tear their hymens. I somehow quaintly thought that was a rite of passage for 18 year olds at least. But then again, I did come of age during the grunge era.
Excuse the tangent, Bushy Bob. Here’s the most important thing. It’s your body, you can do whatever the fuck you want with it. If you don’t have strong preferences though, why don’t you ask the woman you’re planning on sharing your body with what she thinks. We all have different personal tastes and your lady companion might think Chewbacca is fucking sexy. Or, she might want to shave you herself.
Have fun. Unless, of course, you do go for the back, sack and crack wax, in which case: no pain, no gain.
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