I am very competitive. Very. I’m only writing this blog post because I’m not currently winning this blog. I don’t even know what that means.
I am also not a very good sport. I’ve tried to change this, but I’m American. I will cheat on Trivial Pursuit by adding extra pie pieces when no one is looking. I enter colouring contests for children under false pseudonyms (Suzie, age 8), and if push comes to shove, I will shove.
That brings me to the next instalment of Bring it back: weird competitions. They’re still around in one form or another, like Bet On Your Baby (warning: you cannot unsee this), but weird competitions of ye olden days were much more creative and entertaining.
Ladies nail hammering competition
Wow, two competitions happening simultaneously: a ladies nail hammering competition and a see whose child is the first to get a hammer in the head competition!
Bad tie competition
I’m guessing this photo was the single reason John Key began his government employee slash-a-thon.
Table setting competition
I don’t know who Mrs. Blennerhassett is, but she’s a freaking genius! Look at this table setting. It’s exquisite. Nothing says ‘casual table setting’ like a lobster tablecloth, Coca-Cola, a portable BBQ, celery sticks in a bowl, vegetables covered in toothpicks and a set of racially insensitive salt and pepper shakers.
Hair styling competition
In the old days they had things called Limbless soldiers’ picnics. At these picnics they played embarrassing party games, which included a hair styling competition where people would laugh and watch men fail miserably at styling women’s hair. The women would either sit quietly, looking unimpressed or smile politely and wring their hands with discomfort.
I love this one. The cataloguer of this photo, unable to determine what the hell is going on, has titled the image ‘Two unidentified women at the Hutt Valley [singing?] competitions’.
Forget American Idol or X Factor or The Voice, I want to see a singing competition where the point of the show is to determine whether the person is in fact actually singing.
Better Homes Week Monster competition
The best competitions are the ones where you have no idea what the competition actually is. What’s a monster competition? Why is Mrs. B. Styles looking at Mr. B. Styles with a suspicious look that says, “We totally rigged this thing!”. Why does Mr. C. Huckstepp look happier to award the prize than the winner looks to receive it? Why can’t we know their full first names? So many questions.