Ruminator’s 2013 Person of the Year

by Lord Sutch
WRONG

WRONG

Every year, Time Magazine gives out its person of the year award (used to be Man of the Year but they had to change that).

They like to be pretty controversial over there at Time HQ. Once they even Godwin’d themselves and chose Hitler as their person (man) of the year. Oooh eeer get you Time Magazine and your naughtiness.

This year however they fucked the dog. They named Pope whatshisface as Person of the Year. Because he’s made some progressive comments . Note that: comments. Not actions. He’s just said some progressive shit.

In fact just yesterday a Vice Principal in Washington State was fired from a Catholic School for being gay and married. Nice one Catholics. That’s showing us the way forward.

Besides, I’ve loved gays for years, they didn’t make me Person of the Year.

The reasoning for Pope being named Person of the Year is because he comes from an organisation who was at best reactionary, at worst a bunch of knucklecunts and he’s marginally better than that.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

They didn’t even follow their own criteria. The person of the year is supposed to be the individual who’s had the most impact on the planet over the past 12 months. Popey there has had some impact, but on Catholics. A group of people that is shedding numbers despite being anti-contraception. If your organisation is losing numbers despite gaming the system to increase membership then you’re doing something wrong.

To be fair, they got it more wrong in 2006. "You"? Really Time? You lazy fucking hacks.

To be fair, they got it more wrong in 2006. “You”? Really Time? You lazy fucking hacks.

Anyway, the clear cut person of the year got second at Time: Edward Snowden. No other individual has had as big an impact on the global discourse than that man. We even wrote about it. Twice.

He’s created panic/fear/conversations/anger/rage all over the show. He’s created diplomatic tension between previously friendly countries. Hell Brazil and Germany got a UN resolution passed based on his leaks. So what the fuck Time? How did you get this so wrong?

I suspect that there was probably a phonecall from some high up folk saying “don’t you dare make Snowden person of the year. We don’t want to make him a hero.”

A hero like Hitler then.

Anyway, this very long pre-amble is all about getting to our award. The Ruminator’s Person of the year. Now to be fair, I haven’t actually run this by any of the other writers, so in reality it’s Lord Sutch’s person of the year. But I run the site. And the Twitter account. So for all intents and purposes, I am the Ruminator. So without any further ado, I present our winner:

Miley Cyrus Wrecking BallMiley Cyrus is the Ruminator’s person of the year for 2013

In the 1990s, sweaty record execs in sweaty suits created packaged up starlets for sweaty teenagers and sweaty men to get sweaty palms over.  The likes of Britney and Christina prowled our TV screens in short skirts and schoolgirl outfits to provide titillation in a cynically exploitative sexual fashion. They were dressed that way for us. So that men (and women if they were into it) would shell out cash to salivate. Miley don’t play by those rules.

Yeah she dresses provocatively and acts in a way that some might call “slutty” but her combination of the slut with the grotesque suggests that she’s doing it for her. She’s showing women and girls the world over that it’s cool to be female and be sexual and to be in charge. She seems to give precisely zero fucks and that’s awesome.

In a year in which New Zealand started to have a grown-up conversation about rape and the sexuality of women, Miley was out there leading the charge on a global scale. Some call it a train wreck. Others call it a cynically executed business plan. I call it a woman taking charge of her life and doing what she wants. She is the first global phenomenon to make slutty a positive affirmation of womanhood.

So take your Pope Francis and your Edward Snowden. Yeah they’ve done some shit. But for the Ruminator this year, our star is Miley Cyrus. Stay awesome Miley.

If you want to support the Ruminator, please consider making a donation via Givealittle.

The Ruminator is probably taking a break from today. I’m unsure if any of the writers will contribute over the next wee while. If that is the case, thanks to all the writers and readers for making this a cool first year of our existence. Have a great break and stay safe. We’ll see you in 2014.

 

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5 comments

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Jackson James Wood December 20, 2013 - 3:36 pm

*raises eyebrow*

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Lord Sutch
Lord Sutch December 20, 2013 - 3:52 pm

Wut?

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Jackson James Wood December 20, 2013 - 4:02 pm

Exactly.

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bekitty December 20, 2013 - 4:54 pm

Miley? For “Person of the Year”? Oh HELL no.

No, no, no. If you want to choose a Person of the Year because they’re “a woman in charge of her sexuality”, then you really should have chosen Beyonce. Not Miley.

Also, did you know that Time magazine has never had a solo woman as their “Person of the Year”? Even after they changed from “Man of the Year”, they’ve only ever had women if they’ve been in a group that also included men. Time have even had a bloody COMPUTER, but never a woman.

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Jane January 2, 2015 - 7:43 am

that’s okay Oprah is always on the cover of her magazine

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