Ask a Slightly Slutty Barren Spinster anything

ElizabethVanLewDear Ruminator Readers,

I have long been a fan of this website. Lord Sutch is my favourite NZ political commentator. I rate his writing higher than that of Danyl McLaughlan, Toby Manhire, Rob Salmond and Fundamentally Useless (I also take some consolation in the fact that even though the Nats may still be in power, we lefties write all the best politics columns. Those two things may not be unrelated).

Last week, I posted the following status update on Facebook.

“Having had a somewhat difficult day, instead of drinking sufficient gin after work to hit the sweet spot called No Longer Giving a Shit, I got some exercise, cooked myself a healthy meal, drank lime and soda, talked to friends by text and PM, then had a bath in the dark with some candles. Now I’m going to bed early to read my book. I think I’ll call it Healthy Introversion.

PS: I know the bath candles sound revoltingly Cosmopolitan sex tips but it’s really cosy and womblike. FYI – if I wrote the Cosmo sex tips, there would just be a sentence that says,’if you’re both so bored that you think using chocolate body paint, a strap on or a ball gag will ‘spice up’ your dying sex life, accept that you both just want to fuck other people and break up.’ No I’m not married, why do you ask?”

One member of my long-suffering Facebook whanau suggested that I try writing for people in places other than Facebook (possibly in the hope that this would reduce the frequency of my FB posts).

So I contacted Lord Sutch and asked him if he would be interested in having an advice column for The Ruminator called Ask a Slightly Slutty Barren Spinster. To my delight, he was.

So, here’s what I’m thinking. You guys email The Ruminator with your dilemmas and once a week (or more or less frequently, depending on whether anyone actually writes in and how hungover I am at the time) I will publish the letter and my advice. I am not a psychologist and I have absolutely no authority to be giving anyone advice. However, I was a teacher in a former life, so I’m a bit bossy (or ‘forthright’, as we say if you’re a bloke).

Here are some sample questions to give you a sense of my areas of expertise:

  • There’s a person I work with and I’d quite like to get down his/her pants. How can I tell if s/he’s single and/or gay and/or into me?
  • Just because I’m bisexual, why do all my straight couple friends assume I want to have a threesome with them? I mean, they’re lovely people, but even bi people have standards, Jesus.
  • I’m at work and I’m spectacularly hungover but my boss has just given me this urgent thing to do and my brain is currently operating at half speed, please help.
  • I’m a parent and I always really appreciate parenting advice from people without children. Please tell me how to raise my kids.

Feel free to also send in your dick pics or tit shots, as long as you don’t mind me posting them online to critique for my friends (am not sure I signed up to this – Ed) (confidentially, to Jeremy Wells, I don’t know if you read The Ruminator, but just in case you do, I promise not to post your dick pic online if you send me one. I’ll just save it in on my phone for private moments. Also, if this isn’t awkward given that I’ve just attempted to solicit a photo of your cock, Mark Cubey once told me that I “give good radio” so would be happy to do Ask A Slightly Slutty Barren Spinster as a call in on your breakfast show if you’re ever in need of something to fill in a couple of minutes, FYI).

If you don’t send in any letters, I’ll just make them up, because that’s the sort of thing I find entertaining to do for fun on a lonely night at home in my one bedroom Spinster Palace with the cats.

Lots of love,

A Slightly Slutty Barren Spinster

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